Fighting Words: "I feel like..."

One great thing about this new age, is that more and more therapeutic techniques and practices are getting mainstream.  With more people being open to going to therapy people are more aware of the tactics that are taught  within the therapeutic relationship.   One of those tactics for example, is the use of "I" statements.   This is a great practice because it prevents people from using inflammatory statements like "you always" or "you never".  Statements like these often are often made by one partner with the intention to express how they feel, but the other partner hears it only as an attack on them.  They often don't gain clarity from statements like these, but instead find themselves getting defensive and offended- never a good thing; so insert - "I" statements.

While it takes some practice to really get this practice down, I highly encourage people to use this tactic.  I have even encouraged couples I have worked with to use this practice because it helps facilitate conversation and keep the attacks at bay.  However, in my past work, I have also seen how sometimes when not used properly these "I" statements can still be inflammatory.   Below are a few ways I have seen "I" statements turn into aggressive (or passive aggressive) statements:

1. "I don't care."  While this is technically an "I" statement, it is not in-line with the goal of therapeutic "I" statements.   I often hear this statement from a partner when they are either tired of conversation/argument,  they are trying to convey to their partner that they don't take the issue as serious as their partner, or when people feel so defeated by the argument that they just shut down and shut off.    The problem is, if your loved one is trying to share with you their inner most thoughts and feelings or trying to gain or give understanding about something problematic in the relationship and you respond with "I don't care", they don't think that the any of the above statements may be the reality, they take you at your word.  They feel that you literally don't care, about the conversation, the issue, the relationship, and even them.  This statement hurts the relationship more than helps.
2. "I think you always..."   Now this is just a clever way of hiding the "you" statement that was addressed above.  I have seen couples use the I statement in a condescending manner, as if to say "I'll play your little game, but I'm still going to stab him/her with my words".  This is often an indicator that there are some real feelings of hurt that needs to be dealt with before we can really build toward a healthier communication style.  Not everyone who uses these types of statement are being condescending.  Sometimes it is simply lack of proper communication techniques.  They are simply picking up the new tactic and trying to place it within the confines of their usual pattern of communication.  It takes time (and assistance) for people to learn a new way of communicating.
3. "I feel like that's not the truth..."  "I feel like [insert statement that is NOT a feeling]"  I often see this when a partner is not comfortable with (or knowledgeable about) their emotions.  This is a way of making an "I" statement but veiling the fact that they do not want to (or know how to) get vulnerable.  This is often an indicator that the person does not feel safe enough to be honest about their feelings.  This usually infuriates the other partner because while the person is stating a thought or often a fact that could be debated, it is housed behind the statement of feeling and feelings cannot be debated.  It is also upsetting to the other partner because they can feel their partner being closed off while shielding themselves from vulnerability and that can leave the open partner feeling lonely and rejected.
4. "I don't know."  Now this is a loaded one because sometimes people really don't know.  But often times this becomes a point of contention because the partner on the receiving end of the "I don't know" feels as if they partner not being honest.  They feel that their partner doesn't want to tell them what it is that they "do know" and instead claim to "not know".  It may start with a question as simple as "what do you think?"  Let's say a man responds with "I don' t know"  his wife may internalize that as he doesn't care about the subject matter at hand, he's too lazy to involve himself in the issue, or that he is outright rejecting her by not wanting to engage in conversation.   The flip side is that sometimes people need the time and space to process things, so in the heat of the moment they really don't know.   They haven't formed an opinion and need time to consider the options.   

Now that we talked about how "I" statements could go wrong.  You know I won't leave you hanging, I gotta give you some tips to help you out.  Below are a healthier way of communicating the four statements above.

CORRECTED "I" Statements

1. "I don't have anymore to give (on this issue)" or "I am open"  Now I added that parenthetical phrase because if you say you don't have anymore to give in the middle of an argument it may be misconstrued as you saying you want out of the relationship.   Essentially, you want to be clear about what is really going on.  "I don't care" is too dismissive and hurtful, that is not what you mean, so you have to be clear about what you really want to communicate.  If you are too overwhelmed by the argument you need to let your partner know this.  Pro Tip: Don't use this only when arguing, you have to practice telling your partner when you are overwhelmed, so that they don't think you are using this statement to get out of tough conversations.  If you don't have strong feelings on a subject, saying to your partner that you are open is a better way to communicate your true feelings versus stating that you don't care.
2. "I'm still really upset about..."  Rather than veiling your feelings of anger, that are leading you to want to attack your partner, be honest about them so that they can be addressed.  Your partner may not even realize that you were hurt by (or are hurting over) something that has happened in the past.  Don't use "I" statements to hide your revenge.  Be honest about your feelings so your partner can make amends.  Pro Tip: Don't start this conversation in the middle of an argument, it is best to bring this up when you are on good terms so that your partner can respond out of love and not defense or anger.
3. "I feel [insert actual feeling]"  I have a literal feelings chart on my refrigerator.  This helps remind me that there are more feelings than just mad, sad, and happy.  Google "feelings chart" and print one out to have in your home.  Make yourself aware of those feelings.  Try to notice how you are feeling throughout the day.   It is important that you get comfortable with your feelings, recognizing them and being able to communicate them before you are in an argument or tough conversation. Pro Tip: You need to be honest with yourself about whether or not you feel safe enough in your relationship to be vulnerable, if you do not, you need to seek counseling to help reestablish that  safety ASAP.
4. "I need some time to process this" Letting your partner know that you don't have answer is a good thing.  Just remember to let them know that you care about the issue at hand and that you plan to get back to them when you do have answer.
5. BONUS STATEMENT: "I am sorry"  This is the BEST "I" statement you can use.  Be willing to admit to your mistakes and to let your partner know that was never your intention.  Just remember this is not a "get out of jail free card" your actions must line up with what you are apologizing for.  

Wishing you happy and healthy relationships,

​Leilani