So many couples wait until they are on the brink of divorce before they decide to reach out for help. While it is a good thing to try everything you can before you decide to permanently end your marriage, it is often extremely difficult at that point and most people are not committed enough to stay through the difficulty.
When I talk to my couples, I often use the analogy of cancer. We push people to go in for regular examinations because if we can catch cancer early, there is a higher chance of survival. It's the same way with marriage. If we can detect the problem areas early, we can treat those problems while they are still in the early stages. The early stages of problems are not wrapped in years of resentment, bitterness, pettiness, and genuine dislike. It is way easier to work through disagreements, misunderstandings and small offenses when the couple genuinely still likes each other. I use the word like because many of us have had so many broken relationships (romantic and familial) that we equate loving someone with enduring a great deal of pain. So we can be unhappy but still "love" that person. We can be in an abusive relationship and still "love" someone. Some people will state that they detest someone, but still claim to "love" them (think of that family member you hate being around but you still say you love). So liking someone means actually enjoying their company, desiring to be around them, and for the most part, experiencing positive feelings whenever they are around. This is the reason why I created The Relationship Tune-Up ebook. It is a short and easy to use tool to get the conversation started with your partner about what is good in the relationship and what are areas that need work. The best part is that it is FREE! If you have not downloaded yourself a copy, you can do so here. It is important to talk with your partner about the hard stuff, the uncomfortable things, and the things that could potentially destroy the relationship. I know of a couple who did not like to "focus on the bad" so they only talked about the good things in their relationship. Now while I agree that your emphasis should be on the positive, I do not believe that you should only focus on the good to the exclusion of the the challenges. This couple ended up on the verge of divorce because while they may have only collectively "focused" on the good, the challenges that they were having both individually and collectively were haunting them. They each felt that they could not bring their grievances, offenses, or even their fears to their partner because the pattern was set to only focus on the good. Not talking about these things did not make them go away. They still each had their own set of "bad" things that needed to be discussed, processed, and forgiven. And even though it was not put out in the open, it was still affecting their relationship and causing them to move further and further away from each other. YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE THINGS THAT UPSET YOU SO THAT YOUR PARTNER IS NOT IN THE DARK. I once had a coworker who would get offended every time, another coworker made a joke. They never told the offending coworker, however they stopped being friendly and actively worked to create distance between the two of them. I once asked if they every told the other person (whom they were punishing) that they had offended them and they said "no". I asked two questions: 1) If you don't say anything, how can you be sure that how you interpreted the statement was how it was intended? and 2) Why wouldn't you give them a chance to apologize and rectify the situation? The situation can never get better if the person who offended you doesn't know the affect their actions have caused. You have to at least give them a chance to explain their actions or at least apologize for them. If you cannot create the atmosphere for this kind of open dialogue then do not be afraid to utilize your resources. There are awesome marriage therapists, licensed counselors, and relationship coaches [insert pic of me raising my hand]. We all exist to help you uncover the problem areas in your relationship, create a safe space to dialogue, and give you tools to strengthen your relationship. Don't wait until your relationship is on the verge of ending before you decide it is worth the effort. Put the effort in at the beginning or in the middle, while things are going great or when things are just "okay". Getting help only reinforces your relationship. Who doesn't want that?
0 Comments
|
Marriage FunThe wedding day shouldn't be your best memory. While marriage is fun, it can also a source of great happiness. This section is for those who wish to invest in their marriage. Archives
May 2018
Categories
All
|