This was actually a homework assignment I gave to one of the lovely ladies that attended our May Sip and Chat.   However, I realized that this is actually something that everyone can benefit from.  The assignment is this:

Institute Toast it Up Tuesday!

Toast it Up Tuesday- This exercise is designed to occur once a week (on Tuesday).  You are to pour you a glass of your favorite drink (it can be tea, coffee, juice, wine, etc.) and you have to "toast" all of your accomplishments that week.   You can have no less than 5 and as many as you can name until you finish your drink.  There are no accomplishments too small, the only stipulation is that it must have occurred during that week.  This is to ensure that you are constantly focused on your present wins and aren't celebrating wins from months (or even years) ago. Remember to raise your glass and toast (even if you are by yourself) and say your accomplishment out loud!  There is power in hearing you talk highly about yourself. 

The "Why?" I realize that too many of us are going through life expending an extreme amount of energy on our failures, but simply brush over or discredit our accomplishments (our "wins").  In order to have a clear view of ourselves, we must keep accurate score.  In order to boost our confidence and self-esteem, we must be able to celebrate ourselves.  In order to have a healthy relationship we must learn to love ourselves first.   Learning how to celebrate yourself is a great skill that will eventually help you in your relationship.  We need to learn how to celebrate our accomplishments and speak highly of ourselves.  This assignment is to be followed every week so that we can practice this skill.  This will also help us to take time and focus on the positive.  When we are able to celebrate the positive in ourselves we are able to do the same for others.    I find that some of my clients have beaten themselves down with "shoulds" and other forms of obligation, they don't see their accomplishments because they are always focused on what they "should" have or be doing.  There are many who are depressed simply because they are beating themselves up for not achieving some goal, never taking a moment to celebrate who they are and what they have overcome and accomplished to get where they are.  If you don't have the confidence that you want, it may not be because you are not worthy of that confidence, it may be that you are just taking score wrong.  You are overemphasizing your losses (failures) and not acknowledging your wins (accomplishments).

How does this help?  This exercise is scheduled to happen every week so that you cultivate this as a normal practice in your life.  Setting time to practice noticing, speaking out loud, and celebrating your accomplishments once a week helps you to develop these skills.  It's like developing a muscle, you have to work it out to build it up.  

Get Your Spouse Involved.  My husband and I have decided to adopt this practice and to do it together.  We each pour a glass of wine and toast to one another's accomplishments.   This is beneficial to keeping your marriage healthy because this is nice way to "sneak in" a little date night!   You are not only getting time to check in on your spouse but you are actually coming together as a unit to celebrate the good that you are each accomplishing individually.   Developing this skill together is highly beneficial as it will sow into your marriage the practice of looking for, noticing, acknowledging and celebrating the positive!  This is also a way to ensure that your spouse feels appreciated, celebrated, and supported by you and vice versa.  

Be sure to add this to your calendar and raise your glass on Toast it Up Tuesdays!

Wishing you happy and healthy relationships,

Leilani

One great thing about this new age, is that more and more therapeutic techniques and practices are getting mainstream.  With more people being open to going to therapy people are more aware of the tactics that are taught  within the therapeutic relationship.   One of those tactics for example, is the use of "I" statements.   This is a great practice because it prevents people from using inflammatory statements like "you always" or "you never".  Statements like these often are often made by one partner with the intention to express how they feel, but the other partner hears it only as an attack on them.  They often don't gain clarity from statements like these, but instead find themselves getting defensive and offended- never a good thing; so insert - "I" statements.

While it takes some practice to really get this practice down, I highly encourage people to use this tactic.  I have even encouraged couples I have worked with to use this practice because it helps facilitate conversation and keep the attacks at bay.  However, in my past work, I have also seen how sometimes when not used properly these "I" statements can still be inflammatory.   Below are a few ways I have seen "I" statements turn into aggressive (or passive aggressive) statements:

1. "I don't care."  While this is technically an "I" statement, it is not in-line with the goal of therapeutic "I" statements.   I often hear this statement from a partner when they are either tired of conversation/argument,  they are trying to convey to their partner that they don't take the issue as serious as their partner, or when people feel so defeated by the argument that they just shut down and shut off.    The problem is, if your loved one is trying to share with you their inner most thoughts and feelings or trying to gain or give understanding about something problematic in the relationship and you respond with "I don't care", they don't think that the any of the above statements may be the reality, they take you at your word.  They feel that you literally don't care, about the conversation, the issue, the relationship, and even them.  This statement hurts the relationship more than helps.
2. "I think you always..."   Now this is just a clever way of hiding the "you" statement that was addressed above.  I have seen couples use the I statement in a condescending manner, as if to say "I'll play your little game, but I'm still going to stab him/her with my words".  This is often an indicator that there are some real feelings of hurt that needs to be dealt with before we can really build toward a healthier communication style.  Not everyone who uses these types of statement are being condescending.  Sometimes it is simply lack of proper communication techniques.  They are simply picking up the new tactic and trying to place it within the confines of their usual pattern of communication.  It takes time (and assistance) for people to learn a new way of communicating.
3. "I feel like that's not the truth..."  "I feel like [insert statement that is NOT a feeling]"  I often see this when a partner is not comfortable with (or knowledgeable about) their emotions.  This is a way of making an "I" statement but veiling the fact that they do not want to (or know how to) get vulnerable.  This is often an indicator that the person does not feel safe enough to be honest about their feelings.  This usually infuriates the other partner because while the person is stating a thought or often a fact that could be debated, it is housed behind the statement of feeling and feelings cannot be debated.  It is also upsetting to the other partner because they can feel their partner being closed off while shielding themselves from vulnerability and that can leave the open partner feeling lonely and rejected.
4. "I don't know."  Now this is a loaded one because sometimes people really don't know.  But often times this becomes a point of contention because the partner on the receiving end of the "I don't know" feels as if they partner not being honest.  They feel that their partner doesn't want to tell them what it is that they "do know" and instead claim to "not know".  It may start with a question as simple as "what do you think?"  Let's say a man responds with "I don' t know"  his wife may internalize that as he doesn't care about the subject matter at hand, he's too lazy to involve himself in the issue, or that he is outright rejecting her by not wanting to engage in conversation.   The flip side is that sometimes people need the time and space to process things, so in the heat of the moment they really don't know.   They haven't formed an opinion and need time to consider the options.   

Now that we talked about how "I" statements could go wrong.  You know I won't leave you hanging, I gotta give you some tips to help you out.  Below are a healthier way of communicating the four statements above.

CORRECTED "I" Statements

1. "I don't have anymore to give (on this issue)" or "I am open"  Now I added that parenthetical phrase because if you say you don't have anymore to give in the middle of an argument it may be misconstrued as you saying you want out of the relationship.   Essentially, you want to be clear about what is really going on.  "I don't care" is too dismissive and hurtful, that is not what you mean, so you have to be clear about what you really want to communicate.  If you are too overwhelmed by the argument you need to let your partner know this.  Pro Tip: Don't use this only when arguing, you have to practice telling your partner when you are overwhelmed, so that they don't think you are using this statement to get out of tough conversations.  If you don't have strong feelings on a subject, saying to your partner that you are open is a better way to communicate your true feelings versus stating that you don't care.
2. "I'm still really upset about..."  Rather than veiling your feelings of anger, that are leading you to want to attack your partner, be honest about them so that they can be addressed.  Your partner may not even realize that you were hurt by (or are hurting over) something that has happened in the past.  Don't use "I" statements to hide your revenge.  Be honest about your feelings so your partner can make amends.  Pro Tip: Don't start this conversation in the middle of an argument, it is best to bring this up when you are on good terms so that your partner can respond out of love and not defense or anger.
3. "I feel [insert actual feeling]"  I have a literal feelings chart on my refrigerator.  This helps remind me that there are more feelings than just mad, sad, and happy.  Google "feelings chart" and print one out to have in your home.  Make yourself aware of those feelings.  Try to notice how you are feeling throughout the day.   It is important that you get comfortable with your feelings, recognizing them and being able to communicate them before you are in an argument or tough conversation. Pro Tip: You need to be honest with yourself about whether or not you feel safe enough in your relationship to be vulnerable, if you do not, you need to seek counseling to help reestablish that  safety ASAP.
4. "I need some time to process this" Letting your partner know that you don't have answer is a good thing.  Just remember to let them know that you care about the issue at hand and that you plan to get back to them when you do have answer.
5. BONUS STATEMENT: "I am sorry"  This is the BEST "I" statement you can use.  Be willing to admit to your mistakes and to let your partner know that was never your intention.  Just remember this is not a "get out of jail free card" your actions must line up with what you are apologizing for.  

Wishing you happy and healthy relationships,

​Leilani

    So many couples wait until they are on the brink of divorce before they decide to reach out for help.   While it is a good thing to try everything you can before you decide to permanently end your marriage, it is often extremely difficult at that point and most people are not committed enough to stay through the difficulty.  
     When I talk to my couples, I often use the analogy of cancer.  We push people to go in for regular examinations because if we can catch cancer early, there is a higher chance of survival.  It's the same way with marriage.  If we can detect the problem areas early, we can treat those problems while they are still in the early stages.  The early stages of problems are not wrapped in years of resentment, bitterness, pettiness, and genuine dislike.  It is way easier to work through disagreements, misunderstandings and small offenses when the couple genuinely still likes each other.   I use the word like because many of us have had so many broken relationships (romantic and familial) that we equate loving someone with enduring a great deal of pain.  So we can be unhappy but still "love" that person.  We can be in an abusive relationship and still "love" someone.  Some people will state that they detest someone, but still claim to "love" them (think of that family member you hate being around but you still say you love).  So liking someone means actually enjoying their company, desiring to be around them, and for the most part, experiencing positive feelings whenever they are around.   
     This is the reason why I created The Relationship Tune-Up ebook.  It is a short and easy to use tool to get the conversation started with your partner about what is good in the relationship and what are areas that need work.  The best part is that it is FREE!  If you have not downloaded yourself a copy, you can do so here. 
      It is important to talk with your partner about the hard stuff, the uncomfortable things, and the things that could potentially destroy the relationship.  I know of a couple who did not like to "focus on the bad" so they only talked about the good things in their relationship.  Now while I agree that your emphasis should be on the positive, I do not believe that you should only focus on the good to the exclusion of the the challenges.   This couple ended up on the verge of divorce because while they may have only collectively "focused" on the good,  the challenges that they were having both individually and collectively were haunting them.  They each felt that they could not bring their grievances, offenses, or even their fears to their partner because the pattern was set to only focus on the good.  Not talking about these things did not make them go away.  They still each had their own set of "bad" things that needed to be discussed, processed, and forgiven.  And even though it was not put out in the open, it was still affecting their relationship and causing them to move further and further away from each other. 

YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE THINGS THAT UPSET YOU SO THAT YOUR PARTNER IS NOT IN THE DARK.
      I once had a coworker who would get offended every time, another coworker made a joke.  They never told the offending coworker, however they stopped being friendly and actively worked to create distance between the two of them.  I once asked if they every told the other person (whom they were punishing) that they had offended them and they said "no".  I asked two questions:  1) If you don't say anything, how can you be sure that how you interpreted the statement was how it was intended?  and 2) Why wouldn't you give them a chance to apologize and rectify the situation? 
     The situation can never get better if the person who offended you doesn't know the affect their actions have caused.  You have to at least give them a chance to explain their actions or at least apologize for them. 
     If you cannot create the atmosphere for this kind of open dialogue then do not be afraid to utilize your resources.  There are awesome marriage therapists, licensed counselors, and relationship coaches [insert pic of me raising my hand].  We all exist to help you uncover the problem areas in your relationship, create a safe space to dialogue, and give you tools to strengthen your relationship.  Don't wait until your relationship is on the verge of ending before you decide it is worth the effort.  Put the effort in at the beginning or in the middle, while things are going great or when things are just "okay".  Getting help only reinforces your relationship.  Who doesn't want that?